Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
