That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
