i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
