I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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