Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
