So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
