Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
