He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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