dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
