In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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