I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
