I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He shit in the fireplace
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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