just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
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