he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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