sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
