I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
