If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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