I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
