spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
