her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He did a backflip because drugs
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
