The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
