final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
