ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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