she smelled like a LAN party
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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