Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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