This dress was meant to end up on your floor
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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