everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
