i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
