Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
