So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
