Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
