Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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