Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
