just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
