Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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