I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
