First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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