Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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