My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
