I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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