Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
