I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
