Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
