my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
