No, drunk sperm still make babies.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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