my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
