my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
