I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
operation have a gay friend backfired
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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