I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
