god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
