i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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