Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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