remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You made out with two different species that night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
